I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
