My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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