My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
