evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
