This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
