if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
