yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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