Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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