coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize