had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
