3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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