My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
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I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
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You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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