Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
What drink are we having for lunch?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
