I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
