Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i believe in u and ur pee
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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