forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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