Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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