im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
