I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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