youre lurking in front of me
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
