Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
