..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
