New invention idea: vibrating tampons
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
