You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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