Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
