What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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