I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
