I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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