Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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