hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
