I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
