I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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