I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
