Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
