If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
