we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
