everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
