He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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