Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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