roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
