I'm gonna have a badass scar
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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