Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
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If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
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Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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