So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
