there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
