Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
