when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
