Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
