eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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