just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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