I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
