All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
