I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
