apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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