can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
