im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
